Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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