I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
