like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I supernannyed him into submission
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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