roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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