It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
