tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
