You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
