i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
there's paper in my vomit.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
