This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
