My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
True strength comes from lack of pants
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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