My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
