Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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