I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
