Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
