I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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