they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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