the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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