May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
