call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
