I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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