I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
