Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
