I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
