Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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