New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
