When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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