cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
