What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
