i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
