I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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