i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
