You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Randomize
