my phone needs a breathalizer
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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