I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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