your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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