I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
