Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
