He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
