Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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