Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
