when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
