I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
