I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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