they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I would ride that face into the sunset
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
