part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
