a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My dick has a subreddit
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
