We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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