Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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