so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
