apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
