I accidentally burped into my bong.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I love having hate sex.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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